Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 ©. You just made us and Bill Gates a little richer. Windows 98 is the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. With more and more people like you buying our software, soon we'll be the only operating system around. Don't worry though, we'll only jack up our prices by 500%.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Oh wait a second, I take that back. We don't have any warranty. If you want help from us, you'll have to pay $35 per incident. Just reading this message here count's as an incident, so the first call will be $70. You may want to go with our value pack, 10 incidents for only $295. Or if you expect to restart your computer more than 10 times, you can go with our super value pack. Give us a call for details.

Windows 98 © represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 ©. You'll notice immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. 98 also represents the average number of hours you'll spend before you get your system working properly. Unless, of course, you call our per incident phone line, in which case you'll spend an average of 196 hours.

But that's not all. Windows 98 © contains many features not found in Windows 95 ©, or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box, and most importantly Internet Explorer™ 4.0 built in.

Why download IE 4.0 for free from our web site, when you can spend just $89 on our Windows 98 © upgrade. Windows 98 © also has new sound effects that will hypnotize you to never buy one of our competitor's product again. Windows 98 © offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. It also offers more incompatibilities with our competitor's products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 © comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer ™, the world's most popular Internet browser. When we say world, we mean us here at Microsoft Corporation. Anyone else doesn't count. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 © offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 © to use a browser other than Microsoft Internet Explorer ™ is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "Other Browser" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the "other browser" icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when Windows 98 © refuses to start. If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the problems that we blame on the other browsers, simply hold the control key down on your keyboard when restarting, and Microsoft Internet Explorer ™ will automatically be re-installed -- permanently.

Windows 98 © also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 © solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner. The registration also allows us to monitor whether or not you are complying with our license agreement. Be assured that if you ever try to install our product on two different computers, we'll send our lawyers down and sue you for triple damages.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 © as trouble-free as possible. (As trouble free as possible for us). We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill, ans is open between the hours of 11 AM Pacific and 2 PM Eastern time.) If you call at any time that our help line is closed, you will be automatically switched to the pay per incident line, and $35 will be charged on your telephone bill.

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 © (like you had any choice to begin with).